My Pregnancy Journey (long post)

If you don't know, I've had issues with pregnancies. Before I even found out I was pregnant this time, I started keeping a journal-type thing. I plan to continue keeping a journal about my pregnancy. Here is the beginning:

Tuesday November 30, 2010 5:33 pm

Hopes, Hopes, Hopes...

This last month, I had the HSG procedure done. If you don't know what it is, and want to know, look it up. Haha. It is a different experience for everyone, and for me it was extremely painful! Anyway, they say that it's supposed to just clean out your system, and that a lot of women usually get pregnant within the first three months after the procedure. Well, I am SO hoping that this is THE month. The month where I can not only say that I'm pregnant, but also the month where I begin to feel nauseous. Yes, I want to get morning sickness!! I'm not crazy, I promise. Morning sickness is a good indication that it's a strong pregnancy, which I haven't had yet. So morning sickness would be a huge comfort to me. . . I won't know if I'm pregnant for like another week or so, and the waiting time kills me!!!! It really is the worst part about trying. :(

Sometimes I think, well since I feel like I've done all the suffering I think I can handle, as far as trying for a baby goes, that I should get a healthy pregnancy soon... I guess I feel deserving. Maybe that's my problem? I know we should be humble, and I try to be, but I am willing to do all that I can to raise my children the right way. Willing to take on the all the joy, and challenges.
I have a good feeling about this month, but that's how I felt a few months ago when I miscarried the second one. Like I mentioned, I had blood tests done and the HSG. Well, I haven't seen a doctor about the blood tests, but I'm guessing everything looks fine if they haven't made a point to set up an appt? Plus, they left a message saying that everything looked great. But that's basically all they said. With the HSG procedure, most everything looked normal. The only thing they said that was out of the ordinary is that my right ovarie might not be releasing eggs. That's obviously not an issue though, because I am getting pregnant.


Wednesday, December 1, 2010 9:39 am

And Again...

Today is my day off, so of course all I can do is THINK!!! Boo. I took maybe an hour and decorated my house for Christmas, but now that that is done, I'm thinking...

Thinking that if I'm not pregnant this month, it will be better than having a miscarriage
Thinking that if I am pregnant this month, and it is a miscarriage, then I may lose my mind
Thinking that if I am not pregnant this month, then I will try to have faith that it's just not the right time
Thinking that if I am pregnant this month, and it continues to be healthy, "JOY TO MY WORLD!"
Thinking that if I can wait until next Wednesday before I take a pregnancy test, that will be a miracle.
Thinking that if I have faith in my Heavenly Father, and Savior, what have I got to worry about?
THINK. THINK. THINK. I do way too much of it.


Thursday, December 2, 2010 6:35 pm

Another Day, Another Prayer!

I don't appreciate it when people say things like, "But you're so young! Why be anxious to have kids? You have plenty of time!" No, no, no. You see, I don't believe that marriage is just for the husband and wife. It's for the children, the entire family. And, would it be better if I was so adamant about NOT having kids for years? No. We have been married for over two years. MARRIED. So, why are people so judgemental about the fact that I'm 21 and WANT to have a baby more than anything. Not okay. These people aren't anybody that is close to me. We have a lot of support, but there are some that don't understand.

It's still too early for me to know if I'm pregnant or not.... GRR!! Haha. I seriously can't think about anything else. I SO SO SO pray my dreams come true this month!
 
Monday December 6, 2010 8:58 am  

Getting Closer...

 

I'm getting closer to when I will be able to test to see if I'm preggers or not... I could technically test today, and I might, but it makes me a little nervous to do so. I'll wait and see how I feel later today. I don't necessarily think I'm experiencing many pregnancy symptoms. That doesn't really mean anything though, cause I'm still only 4 weeks along.

I have done A LOT of praying about this month. Praying that this is the month that I will begin my first healthy pregnancy. I've also come to the point where I truly feel like no matter what happens, it's supposed to be that way. So, that gives me a lot of comfort too, because I haven't been like that up until recently. I know Heavenly Father has been hearing my prayers, and that He knows how much I desire to have a baby. I also know that He has a plan for us, and that His way is the best way.
 
 
Monday December 6, 2010 2:54 pm

RESULTS

 

Well, I went to the store to get my usual groceries, and I picked up a pregnancy test. I got home, took the test. I didn't even put my groceries away before I took it. Then, I couldn't even watch it begin to show the results, so I had to leave before I saw anything, and put my groceries away. Then, I couldn't finish putting them away, because I was getting all sweaty with not knowing the results!!! So, I went back in, and there was two dark lines. Yay :) So I am pregnant, just as I kind of figured I would be, but who knows if this will be a healthy one. After I read the results, it was a mixture of excitement, and worry. So, I knelt down and pleaded with my Heavenly Father to bless me with a healthy pregnancy this time. I also asked that he would comfort me in knowing that everything will be okay.

Now that I know I'm pregnant, it's going to be a battle. A battle of emotions, that is. Worry that this may be another miscarriage. Excitement that this could actually be our first born! It's all complicated, ya know? With the Lord, I will make it through no matter what happens. I know that.
 
Monday, December 6, 2010 8:31 pm

Yup.

 

I'd like to think that this really will be my first healthy pregnancy. We ended up telling family and a few friends. We asked if they would remember us in their prayers. I have prayed over and over today to Heavenly Father that it will be a healthy, uneventful, and wonderful pregnancy for us. But, I have forgotten to do one thing. To thank Him. I am blessed that I can at least get pregnant. Out of the 9 months we've been trying, I have gotten pregnant close to 50% of the time. I like to think that those babies that I lost, I will see again someday in the eternities, and be able to raise them during that time.

Since we have told our family and close friends, we have gotten some congratulations. I want to totally say, "Thank you so much, we are thrilled!" But I just can't. Not yet. I have to know that things will be okay. Which, I won't feel much close to that until I've missed my second period. Another month. GRRR. It's so dang long!!!
Since I last said that I haven't had symptoms, I actually have had some today. A little bit of cramping. Nothing way noticable. But, I've had this happen before, and the cramping got worse, which eventually led to miscarriage. I've also been a bit heavier in my uppers (I know you wanted to hear that), and my back has been achy... I have had some nausea, but I don't know if I can relate that to pregnancy quite yet. I've been very emotional. I can't really say if that's my pregnancy either, because this is just an emotional process altogether. Hoping. Hoping. Hoping.
All I can, and all that I like to think about is this baby. How I long to hear a healthy heartbeat, see a little baby on the ultrasound, have a big ol belly, have labor pains, go through labor, and eventually hold my little angel in my arms. And that's just the beginning. I see kids and their parents. Even the little bratty ones, I want one. I want to raise my child. I want to see my child grow and progress. I want it ALL. The lack of sleep, the diapers, the little clothes, the joy, the love, the gratitude. All of it. I will gladly take any and all healthy pregnancy symptoms in order to have my baby. Honestly.
 
Wednesday, December 8, 2010 8:24 am
 

Lovely Symptoms

 

I'm SORE! Love it! Haha. I am also very emotional. Up and down, up and down. :) I like this. Maybe by next week I can say that I have been throwing up due to morning sickness. Wouldn't that be great. :) It would, because then I would be confident that this pregnancy will last!! Saying my prayers!!

 

Thursday, December 9, 2010 7:53 am

 

Good Feeling?

 

With miscarriage #2, Spencer and I had a good feeling about it. We felt like that was going to be our first baby. There was still some times that we weren't sure about it. Then when I miscarried, we were both crushed, and a little shocked too.

With this pregnancy, I feel good about it as well. I think it's a different feeling of good though. Not just excitement good, but more of a "this is going to happen" good. That scares me though. I of course want good feelings about it, but what if I am just making these feelings up? I really can't tell. I keep praying to my Heavenly Father, and he keeps listening, but I still haven't gotten a definitive answer. I'm okay with that. I just hope that I will get that comfort someday.
 
Sunday, December 12, 2010 9:19 am
 

Quite A Scare

 

A couple of nights ago, I had some symptoms of a miscarriage. It scared the livin' heck out of me. With my other three miscarriages, when I had a scare, it turned into a miscarriage the next morning. . . So of course, I was devastated. So upset. I immediately knew that I shouldn't go into work the next morning especially if I were to miscarry again... So I called and called people, of course no one answers, or they can't. My good friend Mary, who I work with, knows what I'm going through so she took it upon herself to help me find someone to work for me. It helped me a ton that night. I was stressed beyond belief about this pregnancy, and stressed about work. Eventually, it was figured out so that I wouldn't have to go into work. Thank goodness. And thanks so much to Mary!!

Before we went to bed that night, we asked our friend/neighbor if he could come help Spencer give me a healing blessing. It was a great blessing. It worried me at first, because it didn't say anything like that this pregnancy will for sure be a healthy one. It did say that I would have a healthy pregnancy, and raise a healthy baby. I went to bed that night pretty upset. I just kept thinking about all of the pain that i will have to go through again, and how I really don't feel like I could do it.
The next morning, I woke up feeling okay. The physical pain was gone, and I had no other signs of a miscarriage. The day goes on, and everything seemed like it was going normally. I am so grateful for that blessing. I truly believe it was what I needed at that time. As I have said before, I have had a feeling that this pregnancy is going to last. More so than I did with my other pregnancies. What a blessing it is to have the priesthood in my life!!! I love my Heavenly Father and Savior so much, and I know they are watching out for me, and want the best for me! I truly am blessed.
 
 
Tuesday, December 21, 2010 8:02 am
 

Hope

 

I recently had another scare (I say scare, because I don't want to give the dirty details). And anyway, I am going in for an ultrasound today. 6 weeks. They will be able to see if it's a viable pregnancy, and possibly the heartbeat. So, if all looks well, then I'd say we could probably count on this pregnancy lasting!! I think if I was going to miscarry this one, I would have by now. At least I hope it's a good sign that I haven't yet. The farthest I've gone was only like 6 weeks and 2 days. So, I've almost made it passed that. Hopefully I do. I pray all of the time that this will be a healthy one. We have lots of freinds and family praying for us as well.

I am so grateful!! I really feel so great right now. I saw my baby, and the heartbeat. It was awesome. I really feel like this is our baby. I'm so happy. :)